Tuesday, June 14, 2016

What I knew but never acted upon

We create problems to learn their lessons; these are their gifts to us. 

Recently I had a series of experiences in which I was forced to learn (or relearn) lessons (in no particular order):

Lesson 1:
I still do not love myself enough to act on what I deeply want. I profess belief in love of self first but I act in compassion and pity instead, still truly believing that it is my responsibility to live up to someone else's image of me. This is hypocrisy.*

Lesson 2:
I still need approval from others even though I profess to need some one person to share the ideas that I have and am still very confused over. This person must be extremely wise and caring. 

Lessons 1 and 2 are tied together very tightly for if I ever manage to "learn" and not simply acknowledge number 1, the solution to number 2 might come. If I could be sure of that, it would probably give the energy to make me less hypocritical. 

Lesson 3: 
The rest of the world is also busy with their struggles. Unless I have something to offer in return, I can expect to spend a great deal of this lifetime being lonely. 

Lesson 4:
Apropos of 1 and 2, it is necessary for me to develop the confidence to share again. When going out on a limb, one must be prepared to fall. If we lie on the ground too long, we will not have the confidence to climb back up the tree. I need to find a way to move on from this situation I was in, otherwise fear of falling and failing will make continued living a waste of the love the creator gave me.** 

*The amazing irony of this understanding twenty-five years ago startles and saddens me so much. Rule one of life however is 'you cannot go back'.

**It seems in this I was trying to teach myself what Brené Brown has to say about living whole-heartedly and showing vulnerability.


  1. Replies
    1. Shocking to be confronted by it, written in my own hand, so long ago.