A time of increased isolation is the very worst and the very best of times for someone who, as I do, examines her life constantly. Worst, because I have enough unoccupied time for memories of certain events and the remorse they bring to haunt me. Best, because it has forced me to meet those feelings head on.
Remorse is a bad thing to carry around. Yes, I mean remorse, not its sometime companion, guilt. Both have to do with what has happened in the past and how one has acted but, in the case of remorse, there is no belief that you are an evil person because of those actions or inactions.
I feel remorse because I wish there had been different outcomes during events in my past - events where what I said was not as well thought out as it could have been. Yes, in some cases those outcomes might have been different had other participants' actions been different, but this is about me. It isn't about blame. Everyone did what we believed to be right - at the time. In some cases, I even feel remorse for not getting angry at the way things were unfolding and giving the problem a chance to be cleared up. I have to accept the sort of person I was in the past.
K gets a bit upset with me when she catches me second-guessing myself, reminding me "you cannot go back". Not only is going back impossible, in the case of the actions that haunt me sometimes, I cannot even act in the present to heal the rifts that were caused. Many of those involved are now dead - a curse of getting older I suppose. I have to get on with living in the here-and-now and to do that I must forgive myself.
Self-forgiveness is different from making excuses. It is about accepting what was done. It requires a change of heart that reflects awareness of my failings.
By forgiving myself and others, when those memories return, I can let them wash over me with acceptance and a feeling that lessons have been learned. I am not that person now and, hopefully, the way I act in the present might lead to fewer feelings of remorse in the future.
You would not drive spending too much time deeply examining where you have been in the rear view mirror, ahead is where you need to be looking...
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely an urgency to making this plan work. Writing this post is, hopefully, the final step. Eyes forward!
DeleteYour first paragraph speaks to me.
ReplyDeleteI am crossing my fingers that your plan works.
The writings that formed the basis for this blog came from a journal I started in the mid 1980s (yes, I am that old children). At the time, writing my feelings was a way for me to move away from a precipice. Writing has continued to be my way of organizing thoughts and teaching myself.
DeleteOver a decade ago I wrote this on another blog:
Thank you all for your virtual ears, because without these virtual gatherings, across oceans in some cases, through time zones and across a bridge that connects me with you, I would not have a reason to put these ideas into words. Without the words, the understanding might never come.
It is still working for me.
Thank you for the good wishes dear R!
And R, I hope the plan you make works for you as well.
DeleteHugs.