Near and Dear

Yesterday was a special day for me, and it was lovely to read caring messages sent by friends and family. It was even better to see and talk to people I care about. Yet nothing can or will replace being held and holding those we care about. Thanks to K, I didn't miss out too much in that department. 

Never-the-less, I am in a sentimental mood today. This has been my ear-worm. 

The Nearness of You, performed ever-so-gently by Norah Jones. 

It's not the pale moon

That excites me

That thrills and delights me

Oh no

It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation

That brings this sensation

Oh no

It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms

And I feel you so close to me

All my wildest dreams

Came true

I need no soft lights

To enchant me

If you would only grant me

The right

To hold you ever so tight

And to feel in the night

The nearness of you

Music: Hoagy Carmichael Lyrics: Ned Washington

Sometimes a Dream ...

I have often wondered where ideas come from. Could a dream be the thought that then initiates some even more interesting thought we are meant to think? If you are giving me a blank-eyed stare, that is ok ... I get that a lot. 

HOW CAN A PERSON JUST DECIDE WHAT HE'S GOING TO THINK?
DOESN'T HE HAVE TO THINK FIRST, AND THEN TRY TO DISCOVER WHAT IT IS THAT HE'S THOUGHT?
.... YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME WITH BLANK EYES!

Many years ago, a dream changed my way of thinking of myself. In it, my rather sporty car had been at a garage for some repairs to the engine. When I went to bring the car home I noticed, to my horror, that the car's sporty wheels had been taken away and some nasty-looking wheels put on instead. I don't recall anything else from the dream - that is likely where I woke up with an adrenaline rush. I didn't think myself a particularly possessive sort of person, but that dream revealed how wrong I had been about that, and brought on some soul-searching. 

In this morning's dream, K and I were visiting some sort of fancy food market that was having a clearance sale. One bottle of wine, decades old, was in a display case. There was also a package of very special cheese of some sort. Everything in this shop had been stored at the optimum temperature and in the perfect conditions for preservation. The wine and cheese were the last of their kind. We decided to buy them. 

As the dream went on, we considered setting them both aside because they were so special - one of a kind. But knowing they would spoil quickly, we consumed them right away, with some bread, for a very enjoyable picnic. 

Both of these dreams were of their time. The first was a dream of a young person who had illusions of being easy-going. It revealed something of my true nature. It gave me something to think about in order to grow away from pride of ownership. 

What does today's dream tell me, I wonder?  Is it a sort of parable? Or is it just something that has given me an excuse to create this post? 

As K says, "Sometimes a dream is just a dream."

Midnight Crawler

 It was as if I was watching television and a message was scrolling across the bottom. The crawler read:

....YOU HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT ON EARTH ... USE THEM WELL .... 

It was only a dream, yet even a bad dream can make you think. 

Most of my dreams are silly. They are often the sort teachers get. I now wake with a smile, remembering I retired some years ago, so I don't have to grade a pile of papers in order to submit report cards before morning. 

What if I knew I only had a few hours left on earth? What would that mean to me? Assuming it was a premonition of sudden death, what is there to do? I don't feel any regrets of the Ebenezer Scrooge sort. I think I would want to spend those hours as I do most days now. Life is very good. I'm enjoying it while it lasts. As well, a sudden death has always seemed preferable to one that is lingering and painful.

There might be some important passwords I should tell K about, so among other things, she can let folks here in Blogistan know I'm gone ... but really, that isn't urgent. Those of you who wouldn't find out by some other means could very nicely go on thinking I was here, but hadn't thought of anything to write about lately.

Of course, the crawler on the dream television was slightly ambiguous. It didn't actually say anything about death. Maybe I should be carrying a towel?

Keeping It Simple

 I have been baking again.

We are not feeling quite as full as Snoopy appears to be here, but we have already started cutting back.

Hard to remember that this isn't a holiday just because we are at home all the time. 

Yes, we are cutting back, but are still eating far too well. The fourth batch of shortbreads are almost cool enough for the tin - yes, four batches of simple shortbread fingers. I say simple because like most things I am making these days, there is very little work involved. Simple ingredients too - shortbreads involve only butter, sugar, and flour along with some 'elbow-grease' as Grandma used to tell me. The jar with the towel over it contains sauerkraut - simple to make using only cabbage and salt. It ferments on the counter for many days and when it has a flavour that suits your taste it is put into the refrigerator. Yum.

We are so lucky and we know it. Yet it is worth remembering that good luck rarely comes without preparation.

I will admit that there is a good chance that this post won't make it to your eyes, and if you choose, ears. It will likely join quite a few predecessors in the electronic bin - a victim of a simple and happy life, and an aversion to anything preachy. 

If it does survive it will likely be because of Gord's words and music below.

 

Go first in the world, go forth with your fears

remember a price must be paid.

Be always too soon, be never too fast

at the time when all bets must be laid.

Beware of the darkness, be kind to your children,

remember the woman who waits.

And the house you live in will never fall down

if you pity the stranger who stands at your gate.

When you're caught by the gale and you're full under sail

beware of the dangers below.

And the song that you sing should not be too sad

and be sure not to sing it too slow.

Be calm in the face of all common disgraces

and know what they're doin' it for.

And the house you live in will never fall down

if you pity the stranger who stands at your door.

When you're out on the road and feelin' quite lost

consider the burden of fame.

And he who is wise will not criticize

when other men fail at the game.

Beware of strange faces and dark dingy places.

Be careful while bending the law.

And the house you live in will never fall down

if you pity the stranger who stands at your door.

When you're down in the dumps and not ready to deal

decide what it is that you need.

Is it money or love, is it learning to live,

or is it the mouth you must feed?

Be known as a man who will always be candid

on questions that do not relate.

And the house you live in will never fall down

if you pity the stranger who stands at the gate.

And the house you live in will never fall down

if you pity the stranger who stands at the gate.

 

Choices, Choices

Starting a sentence with 'If only ...' makes me cringe these days. Trusting my instincts is the best way to avoid that. 

For every big choice we make there are a multitude of small, seemingly insignificant, ones. In the past I have tended to agonize over those big ones for a long time, but once my mind was made up, I didn't look back (well, not too much, anyway). 

Small decisions are easily, almost haphazardly, made but they are often the most important in retrospect. 

Driving a car provides such small important decisions. Drive quickly and you might get to your destination faster or you might be in an accident. Of course, if you drive slowly, you might just as likely cause or be part of an accident. Either way, an accident is the least likely consequence, yet the difference between being here or there affects what happens to you and others around you from that time onward. 

Thinking about those sort of small decisions seems pointless - the consequences seem beyond our control. Yet, we do make those choices and our mood often plays a huge part in them. Anger might cause us to be aggressive in our choices. If we are distracted with other concerns we might drive slowly and carelessly. No matter what, we must pay attention to the road. Before driving it is wise to calm yourself - if you can. In fact, I think having a calm mind, as much as possible, is a key to success in general. 

I believe that following your instincts when choosing a course of action tends to work out well more often than not. There are casually instinctive choices and insistent choices - feelings that I ought to do something in particular right now. When I am calm, not distracted by other things, there is an internal guidance system available, and it works through those feelings. 

Ok, I know that sounds weird, believing in guidance in such small things, but when you think about it, if those small choices are really important, then trusting yourself, believing in some guided part inside, is a very good idea. 

In Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry wins a vial of Felix Felicis a.k.a. Liquid Luck, a potion that gives the drinker good luck in all their endeavours. In the story, Harry pretends to put some in Ron's pumpkin juice just before heading out to play Quidditch. Ron plays a perfect game, but we find out that there was no potion in the juice. It was Ron's confidence that all his choices would be good ones that made him better. 

Making choices, confident that you have done the best you can, might be the very best way to live. Even if/when things don't go as well as you hope, you are less likely to second-guess yourself. When things don't go my way, I can rationalize the way things went by thinking 'I did my best'. That way, I never have cause to start a sentence with 'If only ... '. 

It Works for Me

It has always been my credo for blogging - say what has worked for me, but never suggest it is good for everyone. 

Naturally, because it has worked for me, an idea seems like something to pass along. Yet I believe the best part of learning something is in the process where learning happens. 

~

It's all about 

the journey

~

Recently, I've been trying to find how to do something to reduce the size of my over-large front and, hopefully, lose some weight at the same time. 

For years others have made suggestions - vegan, low calorie, low carbs, high protein, and the list goes on. 

Clearly, I wasn't ready to listen. I wasn't ready to deal with the problem myself. In point of fact, having someone else tell me what to do hasn't often created long-lasting changes for me. 

After a lot of commiseration with a good friend in the same situation, we discussed a particular book that she had read and its cookbook, which I had purchased and put on a shelf. We promised each other that we would stop whining about the issue and do something about it.

To illustrate the change in approach, here is the recipe I shared almost five months ago in the post Food, Glorious Food!

Old Fashioned Baked Beans

If you compared this recipe to the one given in April, you would notice two changes - the number of servings is given and a nutritional facts sheet is included, courtesy of VeryWellFit. 

In the past two weeks I have done a lot of research. A spreadsheet has been created to keep track of what I eat and its nutritional value. Not surprisingly, much of what I am learning relates to what those advice-givers of the past were trying to persuade me to accept. But this time I am absorbing the ideas at my pace as I need them. 

What I like is that in the process of making a spreadsheet and keeping track, I have become more aware of my own behaviours (eating wise and otherwise) and can make better decisions on the fly because of it. 

I know this is helping me, but I am certain that if I was to share that spreadsheet, it would do little good for anyone who hasn't followed the same path as I. This is something that I needed and that means it is good for me. 

It is fun making new recipes, and looking again at old recipes, while at the same time adding nutritional information to them. I have fun designing spreadsheets and adding features as I learn new things. 

The reason I posted is to promote the message at the top. Whatever you do, I hope you do it because you think it is the right thing to do. I hope it is a well-informed choice that you make, but above all, make it your choice and not something some expert, self-appointed or otherwise, has told you to do.

That is what has worked for me. 

How Will I Forgive Myself?

A time of increased isolation is the very worst and the very best of times for someone who, as I do, examines her life constantly. Worst, because I have enough unoccupied time for memories of certain events and the remorse they bring to haunt me. Best, because it has forced me to meet those feelings head on. 

Remorse is a bad thing to carry around. Yes, I mean remorse, not its sometime companion, guilt. Both have to do with what has happened in the past and how one has acted but, in the case of remorse, there is no belief that you are an evil person because of those actions or inactions. 

I feel remorse because I wish there had been different outcomes during events in my past - events where what I said was not as well thought out as it could have been. Yes, in some cases those outcomes might have been different had other participants' actions been different, but this is about me. It isn't about blame. Everyone did what we believed to be right - at the time. In some cases, I even feel remorse for not getting angry at the way things were unfolding and giving the problem a chance to be cleared up. I have to accept the sort of person I was in the past. 

K gets a bit upset with me when she catches me second-guessing myself, reminding me "you cannot go back". Not only is going back impossible, in the case of the actions that haunt me sometimes, I cannot even act in the present to heal the rifts that were caused. Many of those involved are now dead - a curse of getting older I suppose. I have to get on with living in the here-and-now and to do that I must forgive myself. 

Self-forgiveness is different from making excuses. It is about accepting what was done. It requires a change of heart that reflects awareness of my failings. 

By forgiving myself and others, when those memories return, I can let them wash over me with acceptance and a feeling that lessons have been learned. I am not that person now and, hopefully, the way I act in the present might lead to fewer feelings of remorse in the future.